Apr. 2

4/2/2026 8:51 Correspondence 196

This didn't happen: 

I have a bad habit of overanticipating and overplanning for events. If I know I have somewhere to be at 5 pm, it will be on my mind as soon as I wake up at 7 am. I carry these events on my calendar in my chest. I feel them in my whole body. I feel the weight of them press down on my shoulders, urging my hands and mind to go faster as I type some odd sentence for some odd assignment. I think I'm terrified of being late. Terrified of showing up to a room, already full of people in motion, and I enturopt them. I imagine the eyes on me as the conversation dims for a minute, and I find a seat. I don't like being late, so I plan. And over plan. 

Today was no exception. I knew deep within my chest that I had somewhere to be at 7:30, even before I got the notification. I was working "hard" on an assignment at 6, making sure I got it done far before my deadline. I made the plan in my head. I agreed with myself that I would leave at 7:15, giving myself 15 minutes to walk to the WUSC meeting. A part of me still thought that 15 minutes was not long enough, even though I already knew the walk would only take 5. I agreed with myself nonetheless. 7:15 would be the moment I would leave, and so I needed to finish the assignment before then. 

I finished at 6:45. 

What do I do with myself for 30 minutes? I didn't know. I never know. The strange, empty space outside of the calendar. Too short to start something else, much too soon to start my walk. In moments like this, it feels like space time stretches and shrinks into my, into my dorm, swarling around me and prodding at my limbs to move and stay at the same time. I get dizzy and want to sit. 

I pull out my old, beautiful rocking chair to the center of my small dorm, and I sink into it. I sink and sink and lose myself in it. In the day. And then my phone. Without realizing it, I had pulled out my phone and started to scroll on Instagram reels.  Most of them made me feel bad and strange. Not because I was shown anything upsetting, but because nothing seemed to connect with me. It was full of people pointing at the air, discussing what your favorite movie says about you. My favorite movie was never even shown. 

7:15 blinked into existence, much sooner than I anticipated. I just can't break agreements with myself, so I promptly left. I'm punctual. I try my best to be. 

I made it to my 7:30 meeting at 7:20. I found a seat at an empty table by myself. I knew a few of my friends might come, but they weren't here yet. I sat alone and looked around me at the other folk who decided to show up 10 minutes early to a mostly meaningless meeting. 

I don't mean to throw shade at the organizer, you all are fine folk, and I deeply enjoy the culb. Most of the time, though, these meetings just repeat things we already know. But we are still forced to go. I digress. 

There were only about 9 other people in the room. Most of them sat at other tables. One man sat at a table in front of me and was working on something on his laptop. One could argue that I shouldn't have looked at his screen. One could argue that I should mind my own business and that I was unethically nosy. I think these things too. But I looked anyway, driven by an unbreakable curiosity.

 I looked. 

And I saw things I shouldn't have seen. 

It took me a minute to parse what I was even looking at. I at first thought it was YouTube. Then, for some reason, Rednote, the Chinese social media site. But I quickly realized it was just Reddit. He was scrolling through some dreadful subreddit or an even more wreched home page at videos of extreme violence. Videos of war, explosions, and blood. Videos showing low-quality death, spearing no details. Storyed soldiers given no names or honor in the 15-second clips, mowed down. 

The man watched, unfleanching. 

The man watched casually. 

And I watched him, from behind, sitting alone in an empty, meaningless room. 

Wondering. 

Calvin Landreth