Sep 19.

9/19/2025 10:56. Correspondence 34

Roller coaster. Today has been a roller coaster. Every up had a down. The wind was blowing through my hair at the speed of some of the descents and climbs. As I am writing this, I am settled at a high, but I know the inevitable drop is coming. 

Always. 

But that's a memorable way to look at the world. 

I've been struggling recently with how to deal with tragedies I can't much help. How to grapple with moments of pure joy while in the back of your head, you know there is so much suffering out there. So many monsters.
Here's an example from the day:

I received one of the nicest and most meaningful compliments today. I felt amazing. I felt so jubilant. I was walking with a smile seen through my entire body. As I walked through the back alleys of campus, I walked past the most incredible-smelling flower. I could not identify or pinpoint the flower, but it was so breathtakingly wonderful. It was sweet and earthy and floral and light. I took a moment to pause and take a deep breath in. I felt the scent flow through my entire soul. 

Then I thought about Gaza. I thought about the death and hunger and pain. I thought about the unfathomable horrors that I will never be able to fully grasp. That I will never fully know. Thoughts of how this event will be looked back upon with disgust and vile. That sweet smell was gone from me.

How do I let these two realities exist in my mind? How do you appreciate the small victories when people are doing all they can just to survive? How should I see myself, my small speck on the green marble, in relation to an incomprehensible pain? Do I shut it out and live in a bubble? Should I spend every thought and moment in an effort to help, no matter how small? What is the morality of an individual's actions in relation to the globe? 

People have the power. That's what we are taught. But then why are we as individuals so powerless? I am so truly meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

 Why does that sentiment neither bring complete relief from responsibility nor make me commit total dedication to responsibility? It only brings confusion to me.

Kurt Vonnaget grappled with the same sense of responsibility vs impact:

“Why don’t you write an anti-glacier book instead?’ What he meant, of course, was that there would always be wars, that they were as easy to stop as glaciers. I believe that too.” 

Ironic now, considering the state of the world and climate change. But the question remains, why write anything at all, knowing the unknowable inevitabilities of humanity?

Maybe that's the only way we can live with our selfs. 

But the question remains, how much should you dedicate yourself to stopping gravity?

Thank you all to the wonderful people out there who care. Empathy can be profound.

Goodnight and good weekend, 

Calvin Landrth